“Everyone has a 2am and a 2pm personality. I’m more interested in the monster you become at 2am rather than the human being you pretend to be at 2pm.” -Unknown
It is so easy to get lost, both in thought and on the backroads of Greensburg, PA.
It had been an unusually long Friday, the hours inching on into infinity. I didn’t get to see my friends as much as I typically do. They were all busy with classes and in the evening half of them were performing in the play, while B and Haley went to see it (for the second time). It was a great show, but that is a story for another time.
It was when everyone got home from the show that the adventure began.
After taking care of our friend and making sure she was okay, Haley and I decided to go for a drive. There was no real destination, it was just a way for us to escape the weight of being on campus. We had no idea where we were going, and honestly we didn’t really care. We listened and sang along with Adele’s album, 21, dodged small groups of deer, and laughed away the fear of how dark and sketchy it was at two in the morning.
It’s funny what the early hours of the morning can bring two people to say. Haley told me her thoughts and feelings, as well as her memories and fears. I won’t say what they were, simply because this was a conversation meant for the two of us in her car, Penelope. In turn, I told Haley my biggest fears and things I have never told anyone else but my mom. I don’t trust just anyone with what burdens me, mostly because I worry more about what others are going through than I do my own problems. I tell my close friends a lot about me, but I keep the deepest, darkest parts of myself a mystery. I don’t know why I said it that night, but I don’t regret it. It was nice to let it go for once.
At some point, Haley and I started to cry, a rare occurrence for both of us. Haley and I are very similar in that we don’t like to cry, rather we don’t cry in front of people, besides maybe family. Haley is the only person at this school who has seen me full on crying. I’ve teared up over a movie and when I explained what happened to me, sure, but I’ve never actually cried in front of anyone here at college, except Haley. I think it was a relief for both of us. We needed to breakdown a little to be able to rebuild.
That’s why I would consider Haley to be my best friend. We do stupid things together, bicker, pull pranks on each other, but the best thing we do is understand each other 100%. I think we both trust each other enough to allow ourselves to be at our most vulnerable around each other.
After the tears stopped, Haley opened the sunroof, Adele’s album playing through for a second time. I knew exactly what she was telling me I could do. Grinning, I stood up through the gap and let the cold air beat at my face. From head to hip, I was flying through the cold March night, with Penelope keeping me planted. I truly felt infinite. Haley laughed from the driver’s seat as I yelled and pretended I was a plane. We neared a busier road, so I returned to my seat with a wide smile on my face. The conversation and mood became much less heavy.
When we got back to campus, Haley asked me where we should go. Right, I forgot to mention this. We brought a notebook, two pens, and a lighter. These things would allow us to get rid of some of the troubles we carry with ourselves. We drove back behind the baseball field in the pitch black darkness. As scared as we were, this was something we wanted, needed, to do.
We each took a piece of paper and a pen and wrote down a few of our regrets. We didn’t look at each other’s paper. We didn’t need to. This was to help us personally forgive ourselves and forget. To start fresh. Stepping out into the cold, Haley did the honors of burning her regrets first. As hard as it was with the wind, we lit her paper and watched it burn to ash. Then, it was my turn.
Regrets are hard to fully lose, and it certainly showed as I tried and failed many times to burn mine. It must have taken 5 minutes for my paper to light. The wind blowing out the flame as quickly as it lit. Birds made long whistling sounds that scared both Haley and I, so I hastily continued in my attempts to set my paper on fire. Finally, it caught and again we watched as it burned to dust. Haley and I agreed that it would have been more satisfying if the weather cooperated. Nevertheless, a weight was lifted off our shoulders and we returned home to go to bed.
I don’t think Haley and I become monsters at 2am. If anything, we become more in touch with the deeper parts of ourselves, and we break the walls we’ve built if only for a short while. I couldn’t be more thankful for a friend like her.
All My Love,